"The purpose of life is to live-not to exist."
-Jack London
"I will not die an unlived life. I will not live in fear of falling or catching fire. I choose to inhabit my days, to allow my living to open me, to make me less afraid, more accessible, to loosen my heart until it becomes a wing, a torch, a promise. I choose to risk my significance; to live so that which comes to me as seed goes to the next as blossom and that which comes to me as blossom, goes on as fruit."
~ Dawna Markova
For the past year and a half or so, I've been in the longest lasting funk EVER. Between going off to Baylor and not being happy there, then having a family problem that I worried about for a solid year, then making the decision to come to SHSU and give up cheerleading, then starting a new job and trying to do a second one as well... it has just been rough. I feel like everyday that I live I'm not really alive at all. I'm always just blah. Don't get me wrong, every now and then I'll have a good day, but for the most part I just feel like I'm here and not making the most out of every day. It really bothers me, but I'm not sure how to fix it... I feel like I've already tried EVERY trick in the book. And trust me, I've tried alot...
It bothers me that I have so much in my life to be grateful for... a wonderful family that loves me and supports me, a boyfriend who puts up with my constant blah-ness and loves me more than anything, a puppy that's so cute and makes me smile, a roof over my head every night, clothes on my back everyday, a car to get to where I need to go, an education that most don't get to have, etc. But somehow I can't be happy day to day. I know that people say that you need to focus on what's good in your life, but its hard for me because little things upset me everyday that only make me realize the bad. I know alot of people have it wayyy worse off... I'm not denying that, it just frustrates me that I get mad over little things, but I would be lying if I said that I didn't. Am I the only person that feels like this? I feel like nobody understands, but I wish someone did.
I don't know how to make me come alive again. I feel like life is passing me by during the time when I should be full of the most life, yet I'm not. I see everyone else having the time of their lives and enjoying themselves, but I'm just here with no life behind me. I don't want to look back and regret these times, but I already am. Regretting that I didn't do this yesterday or that I didn't make the most of this moment... frustrating. I don't want to "die an unlived life." The quote by Dawna Markova is from the book titled "I Will Not Die an Unlived Life" and I haven't read it yet, but hoping to go buy it soon. Maybe I'll find a way to wake up and come alive from the book....
Sweetie - live in this very moment...not yesterday, not tomorrow, but today and this very moment. You are on your way to life altering revelations and wonderful moments. Forget the blahs and the worries and make some beautiful moments happen today. They usually come when we do something special for someone else. Reach out to those who love you so very much. You are super intelligent, so maybe you question reality more than most, but don't work too hard on "being happpy". Happiness is a journey - not a destination.
ReplyDeleteWe all tend to look forward to certain times to celebrate, like the holidays, but you know what mama says - "Merry Everyday and Happy Always" works better for me. Even in the face of insurmountable injustice and defamation, I know that my own attitude is the one thing I have control over. Have FAITH, NOT fear. Faith dissolves fear and I have tremendous faith that joy in your heart is coming alive!!! You are a great blessing - more than you know, but it has always been your nature to worry and to overanalyze the "right" thing to do. Have confidence, share love and count your great blessings! ENJOY SPRING BREAK AND know that this day is the first day of the rest of your life! ILTMTA XOXOXOXOXOXO, MOM
You're mom couldn't be more right! ;)
ReplyDeleteMegan, I know we haven't seen or talked in a long time, but it's so important to me that you know how special you are. And I don't want to sound cliche or cheesey, but please know God made you in Hs image and that He could have made every part of you differently, but He didn't. You are perfect. A child of God.
The only way to find true joy and peace is by seeking the Lord. Again, I don't want to preach, but I went through a time where I felt distant from everyone around me - like something was wrong with me. Even brought up in the church with a loving and encouraging family, I withdrew myself from everyone, including God. But it was when I was reminded that He is the only source of happiness that I found myself drawing nearer to Him. Whether it's just praying or talking to Him in little pieces throughout the day, or going out of your way to make someone smile or laugh, or finding a few true-blue, transparent friends who can encourage you to seek God too. It's definitely a growing process, a journey, like your mom said, but it can be one filled with lots of joyful passion, love and hope.
I hope I haven't totally turned you off or scared you - haha. I really do care about you, and I hope I've shed a little bit of light towards you. If you ever, ever want to talk or anything, if you still have my number (it hasn't changed), call or text me! :D
I hope you have an AMAZING DAY AND FABULOUS WEEKEND, sweet girl!